It's been a couple weeks since I last checked in with you. Did you miss me? I've missed you! I hope you're all doing well, eating your vegetables, exercising and getting at least 8 hours of sleep each night. That's been my secret to success -- a well balanced diet, lots of rest and a big gulp of V8 juice before night-night time.
Another thing I like to do to stay active is to take my Yorkshire Terrier, Elvis Presley, on long walks around town. I like to meet with my many fans, sign autographs, take pictures, give piggy-back rides and let the ladies run their fingers through my curly mane of orange hair. Sometimes people will even buy me a soft pretzel from a street vendor if I ask them nice enough.
This past weekend, however, I was taken aback by one request.
A young man, he couldn't have been older than 12, approached me with a small notebook and a magic marker clutched tightly in his tiny little hands. Now, I get autograph requests constantly, so this is something I'm accustom to. I gave him my nicest smile and waited for him to make his way to where I was standing. "Excuse me, " he shyly asked. "But, can I have your autograph, Mr. Rappaport?"
I was speechless. This wasn't the first time I've been mistaken for this Rappaport fellow. I'm not entirely sure who he is, but I think he's involved with Drug Trafficking. I surely don't want people to think I'm in the Drug Business. I'm in the basketball business, for goodness sake! I say "NO!" to everything but 3-pointers and staunch defense.
I didn't want this kid to get the wrong idea about his hero, Brian Scalabrine, so I had to set the record straight. "No!" I shouted as I yanked the notebook out of his hand and pushed the child to the ground. A small crowd quickly gathered as people realized they were in the midst of greatness, but I knew I just didn't have enough time to sign autographs for everybody. I quickly sprinted away while people clutched at me, reaching for their chance to touch a real-life Superstar. I luckily escaped amid Boos and shouts for someone to call the police.
Now, I know I have a lot of fans, and they demand a lot from me, but I just don't think it's right for someone to try to get me arrested for not signing an autograph for them, or letting them get their picture taken with me. Yes, I'm a large man, but there's only so much Scal to go around.
Let this be a lesson for you, everybody. Sometimes, the life of a superstar isn't all glitz, glamor and all-you-can-eat buffets. There's a darker-side to success. But when you're on top of the world, it's tough to find things to complain about.
Until next time, friends!