Tuesday, January 15, 2008

David Stern Talks With James Dolan

David Stern called James Dolan, owner of the New York Knickerbockers, into his office to discuss the recent troubles with his franchise.

Stern: Jim. (claps hands and sighs) Things aren't going too good right now.

Dolan: (taking a seat) Really?

Stern: Yes, Jim. You're our flagship franchise -- this is freakin' New York for goodness sake. I can't have you being the embarrassment of the league. It's just not good for business.

Dolan: I'm not quite sure I follow...

Stern: (stands up and begins pacing back and forth) Jim. James. Every day I have fifteen articles slamming you fly across my desk, each worse than the last. Leno and Conan have been absolutely hammering you lately.

Dolan: So, we've been in the news? That's good, right? There's no such thing as bad publicity!

Stern: No, Jim. You're the laughingstock of the league -- that's why we've kept the Clippers and Hawks around for so long, to deflect this type of attention.

Dolan: (stares blankly).

Stern: You've got to do something, Jim. Or I will.

Dolan: I started my own band. Have you seen us play yet? JD & The Straight Shot?

Stern: Serious?

Dolan: I'll get you some tickets. We're great. We're kind of like... if you took the blues and feces and put it in a blender -- that's what JD & The Straight Shot is like.

Stern: You know I could have you killed? I could... and honestly, I doubt anyone would mind.

Dolan: So, what are you saying? You're not into the blues?

Stern: (flies across his desk, grabbing Dolan by the throat) No, dickweed. What I'm saying is that you are fucking joke!

Dolan: Ouch! You're hurting me. Uncle!

Stern: You have one week -- that's seven days -- to eliminate Isiah Thomas from your organization.

Dolan: But... but I can't.

Stern: No. You can... and you will.

Dolan: But... I can't. I-I-I... can't.

Stern: You get rid of him, or I get rid of you. (releases grip)

Dolan: (begins to sob) But you don't understand! I can't! (sneaks quick glances around the office and begins to whisper) He knows things! Deep, dark, big secrets! He could bring this whole operation down!

Stern: Isiah's more of a moron than you. What could he possibly know?

Dolan: He knows about... (more paranoid glancing)... Ewing...

Stern: You bastard! How could you tell him?!

Dolan: He found it on youtube... I had no choice but to 'fess up!

Stern: (throws hands up in the air) Damn you internet! Foiled again!!!

Dolan: What do we do?

Stern: You let me take care of this, Jimmy. Now get the hell out of here and try to stop being such a fuckup.

Dolan: Sure thing, dad. (gets up and heads out of the office).

Stern: (calls his secretary on his intercom) Mindy! Quick, get me the cleaner on the line...

Mindy: I'm confused. Do you mean the cleaner-cleaner, like the lady who scrubs the toilets? Or (gasps!) You don't mean...

Stern: Yes! Get me Xavier McDaniel. I got some dirty work to do.


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