Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Scalabrine Blog - Post 2

Hey everybody!

It's been a couple weeks since I last checked in with you. Did you miss me? I've missed you! I hope you're all doing well, eating your vegetables, exercising and getting at least 8 hours of sleep each night. That's been my secret to success -- a well balanced diet, lots of rest and a big gulp of V8 juice before night-night time.

Another thing I like to do to stay active is to take my Yorkshire Terrier, Elvis Presley, on long walks around town. I like to meet with my many fans, sign autographs, take pictures, give piggy-back rides and let the ladies run their fingers through my curly mane of orange hair. Sometimes people will even buy me a soft pretzel from a street vendor if I ask them nice enough.

This past weekend, however, I was taken aback by one request.

A young man, he couldn't have been older than 12, approached me with a small notebook and a magic marker clutched tightly in his tiny little hands. Now, I get autograph requests constantly, so this is something I'm accustom to. I gave him my nicest smile and waited for him to make his way to where I was standing. "Excuse me, " he shyly asked. "But, can I have your autograph, Mr. Rappaport?"

I was speechless. This wasn't the first time I've been mistaken for this Rappaport fellow. I'm not entirely sure who he is, but I think he's involved with Drug Trafficking. I surely don't want people to think I'm in the Drug Business. I'm in the basketball business, for goodness sake! I say "NO!" to everything but 3-pointers and staunch defense.

I didn't want this kid to get the wrong idea about his hero, Brian Scalabrine, so I had to set the record straight. "No!" I shouted as I yanked the notebook out of his hand and pushed the child to the ground. A small crowd quickly gathered as people realized they were in the midst of greatness, but I knew I just didn't have enough time to sign autographs for everybody. I quickly sprinted away while people clutched at me, reaching for their chance to touch a real-life Superstar. I luckily escaped amid Boos and shouts for someone to call the police.

Now, I know I have a lot of fans, and they demand a lot from me, but I just don't think it's right for someone to try to get me arrested for not signing an autograph for them, or letting them get their picture taken with me. Yes, I'm a large man, but there's only so much Scal to go around.

Let this be a lesson for you, everybody. Sometimes, the life of a superstar isn't all glitz, glamor and all-you-can-eat buffets. There's a darker-side to success. But when you're on top of the world, it's tough to find things to complain about.

Until next time, friends!

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

David Stern Talks With James Dolan

David Stern called James Dolan, owner of the New York Knickerbockers, into his office to discuss the recent troubles with his franchise.

Stern: Jim. (claps hands and sighs) Things aren't going too good right now.

Dolan: (taking a seat) Really?

Stern: Yes, Jim. You're our flagship franchise -- this is freakin' New York for goodness sake. I can't have you being the embarrassment of the league. It's just not good for business.

Dolan: I'm not quite sure I follow...

Stern: (stands up and begins pacing back and forth) Jim. James. Every day I have fifteen articles slamming you fly across my desk, each worse than the last. Leno and Conan have been absolutely hammering you lately.

Dolan: So, we've been in the news? That's good, right? There's no such thing as bad publicity!

Stern: No, Jim. You're the laughingstock of the league -- that's why we've kept the Clippers and Hawks around for so long, to deflect this type of attention.

Dolan: (stares blankly).

Stern: You've got to do something, Jim. Or I will.

Dolan: I started my own band. Have you seen us play yet? JD & The Straight Shot?

Stern: Serious?

Dolan: I'll get you some tickets. We're great. We're kind of like... if you took the blues and feces and put it in a blender -- that's what JD & The Straight Shot is like.

Stern: You know I could have you killed? I could... and honestly, I doubt anyone would mind.

Dolan: So, what are you saying? You're not into the blues?

Stern: (flies across his desk, grabbing Dolan by the throat) No, dickweed. What I'm saying is that you are fucking joke!

Dolan: Ouch! You're hurting me. Uncle!

Stern: You have one week -- that's seven days -- to eliminate Isiah Thomas from your organization.

Dolan: But... but I can't.

Stern: No. You can... and you will.

Dolan: But... I can't. I-I-I... can't.

Stern: You get rid of him, or I get rid of you. (releases grip)

Dolan: (begins to sob) But you don't understand! I can't! (sneaks quick glances around the office and begins to whisper) He knows things! Deep, dark, big secrets! He could bring this whole operation down!

Stern: Isiah's more of a moron than you. What could he possibly know?

Dolan: He knows about... (more paranoid glancing)... Ewing...

Stern: You bastard! How could you tell him?!

Dolan: He found it on youtube... I had no choice but to 'fess up!

Stern: (throws hands up in the air) Damn you internet! Foiled again!!!

Dolan: What do we do?

Stern: You let me take care of this, Jimmy. Now get the hell out of here and try to stop being such a fuckup.

Dolan: Sure thing, dad. (gets up and heads out of the office).

Stern: (calls his secretary on his intercom) Mindy! Quick, get me the cleaner on the line...

Mindy: I'm confused. Do you mean the cleaner-cleaner, like the lady who scrubs the toilets? Or (gasps!) You don't mean...

Stern: Yes! Get me Xavier McDaniel. I got some dirty work to do.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Brian Scalabrine's New Blog (Exclusive!)

Good day to you, people of the Internet.

This is Brian Scalabrine, the fiery haired forward for the Boston Celtics. The fine folks at this here website offered me my own blog, and I thought, "Shucks, it wouldn't be right to turn down such a generous offer." Therefore, I am going to be reporting regularly to you about not just basketball, but the life of an NBA superstar as well. I hope you like it and I hope you visit often to catch-up with everything that's going on in my life.

We just had a tough loss to the Bobcats of Charlotte, North Carolina. They were a feisty bunch and just seemed to want it more than we did that night. That will happen over the course of an 82-game season. You can't dwell on losses like those or you'll go batty! Players each have their own way of dealing with defeat. Some guys like to play video games, others spend time with their family. Me? Well, after the Charlotte game I did what I always do after a tough loss -- I murdered a hobo with a screwdriver.

Yeah, I know, it's kind of a weird way to vent my frustrations. I look at it like this, though: I'm not just alleviating my stress, but I'm also helping society by destroying the scourge of the earth. It's what my grandpappy always used to refer to 'killing two birds with one stone.' I'm real gentle with the hobo's too -- I reel them into my car with promises of hot dogs and candy canes. Then, before their behinds even have a chance to touch the patent leather of my passenger seat, I jab my screwdriver into their trachea, and push them right back out of the car and speed away. And yes, I do prefer using a phillips screwdriver, but a standard head will usually work just as well.

After that's taken care of I'll come home, pop in one of my favorite movies (usually something from my Olsen Twins Collection or a nice John Candy comedy), pop some delicious popcorn and just snuggle on my couch with my dog, Elvis Presley. I often times will fall asleep like that. Sometimes I awaken with half-chewed popcorn kernels stuck to my forehead and notice that I've left the television on all night!

It's silly, I know, but that's the life of an NBA superstar. Be sure to join me next time for another peak into into my world! Thanks for reading everybody! See ya!

Monday, January 7, 2008

Baron Davis' Beard Speaks

Fuck Hilton Armstrong's face.

Who the hell does he think he is, coming with that weak wispy scruff? I'm Boomdiddy's Beard, mother fucker! There's only room for one man-beard in this league and I got that shit on lockdown. If I had legs and arms, I'd jump right off this chin and pluck those little face pubes one-by-one. Hilton Armstrong. Shit.

He's like a skanky socialite mixed with an Astronaut. What is that -- Hilton Armstong. Averaging 3 points and 2 rebounds - That's Brian Scalabrine territory. Scalabrine! Now that's a beard who knows his place. He keeps his shit nice and Rico Suave.

When Vlade Divac graciously rode his beard into the sunset I knew my time would come. It wouldn't be long until Boomdiddy realized that the NBA needed that manly Magngumesque musk to dominate. I was just waiting for the call. And it came, motherfuckers. It came on the heels of an three-night bender in Vegas. Baron woke up, realized his missed his shaving window of opportunity and just let me ride. He rode my ass all the way to the Western Conference Finals last year.

Now that bitch Armstrong is trying to steal my sexual thunder. I'm Boomdiddy's beard! It don't get no sexier than that! You try to guard my man too close and I'll give you rug burn worse than a night with Janis Joplin.

What has Hilton Armstrong's beard done for him, besides make him look like a grown up Carlton Banks? Hilton Armstrong, you better take that scruffy shit you call facial hair to the barber and remedy that embarrassment immediately. And I got just the man for you... Let me introduce you to the best barber on Fleet Street, Sweeney Todd.


Sunday, January 6, 2008

1/5/08 - Recaps Of The Haps

Celtics 93 - Pistons 85: Boston's win-streak lives on while the Pistons dies. In the second matchup of the two best teams in the East, it wasn't any of the Big 3 that powered Boston to victory -- it was Big Baby. Before the game Danny Ainge changed Glen Davis' contract -- Davis now plays for donuts. Literally. The new incentive inspired Big Baby to his 20 points (15 in the 4th). Said Chauncey Billups after the game, "They're a little more happy than we were when we won our game at their place. They were kind of playing like it was the Super Bowl." Chauncey then added that had he known this game actually counted, he wouldn't have shot 4-12 and air-balled the game-tying three in the final minutes.

Rockets 103 - Knicks 91: Apparently, nobody has gotten the memo that the New York Knicks are a championship caliber team. Personally, I think the league has a hidden agenda to prevent poorly managed, coached and assembled teams from making the playoffs. A rookie was the deciding factor in this game as well. Aaron Brooks, Houston PG, had 22 points including 4 three's off the bench -- Yao chipped in with 30 points, 8 rebounds, 6 assists and 4 blocks. Said Yao of Aaron Brook's performance, "Everybody knew one day, he would play like (he did) tonight. We didn't know which day. But one day." The lone bright-spot for McGrady was that he had today on the office pool.

Hornets 118 - Suns 113: Chris Paul is all that is man. Not only does he own two first names, but his legs are made out of Red Bull and titanium. Paul played every single second of the game, finishing with 28 points, 5 rebounds, 10 assists with only 1 turnover. Said Peja Stojakovic after the game, "I haven't seen stamina like that since last week when my little brother waited outside for 9 days to see the new Arnold Schwartzenegger - Danny Devito comedy about a man and his pregnancy." Barbosa, not the guy from Pirates of the Caribbean, lead the Suns with 28 points in their defeat.

Saturday, January 5, 2008

NBA Bloggers Roundup

Right now we're going to check in with a few NBA Player blogs...

Boomdiddy, aka, Baron Davis, threw up a quick "Happy New Years" post over at the YardBarker:
"Happy New Years yb. This is boomdiddy coming back at you, I am lookin to have another great new year. This year my new years resolution is simple, Win...Win....Win! Ya digg LOL. Everyone have a safe 2008. Ill holla!"
Apparently, someone told Baron it was a good idea to refer to himself as "boomdiddy". I'm just curious as to the origins of such a sweet nickname. It's like crossing P. Diddy with dynamite. Can't get much sweeter than that... unless your nickname is "Laser". Nothing tops "Laser". Also, it seems that I digg "LOL", which I was totally unaware of. It's sort of like discovering a hidden talent. And sleep easy tonight everybody, boomdiddy will holla.

Grizzlie's rookie PG Michael Conley (yes, the son of the guy who almost lost Darren McFadden's bowl eligibility), grabbed a Venti Latte from Starbucks and strapped himself down in front of his computer to blog his inner-most thoughts and desires for Yardbarker:
"I got my first start last night against the Pacers and I would be lying if I told you I wasn't a bit nervous. Once I got up and down the court a few times I was good to go. Now we have to play Boston tomorrow which should be a very tough game for us."
Nope. That's all he wrote. What did we learn here? He was nervous in his first start and the Boston game would be tough. Keep up the hard work, Mike.

Also, someone thought it would be a good idea to give Josh McRoberts his own blog on Yardbarker. Whoever that is, I'd like to shake your hand. For those of you unfamiliar with Josh McRoberts, here's a video tribute to the passionate young man:

Josh's latest blog entry is titled, "Merry Christmas, Happy New Year and What Have You" -- I feel warmer already.
"What's up everybody....I've been busy over the family came out on Christmas Eve and stayed for a week...having them at my house mixed with practice and games made for a busy holiday week. I got my first points in the NBA the other day against Philly, I was happy that I got to play a little bit while my family was still in town. We finally lost last night after winning 13 straight, but the good thing about the NBA is we get a chance to start a new streak tomorrow night in Minnesota. Happy New Year...thanks for reading - Josh"
Do you think when his family went to the game, they didn't bother showing up until the 4th quarter, knowing he wouldn't see any action unless there was a blowout? No? Is that a move only my parents pulled during my High School career? Really?

Finally, let's check in with Blog All-Star and sure-fire first ballot Blog Hall of Famer, Gilbert Arenas:
"My daughter got her first little three-year old bike and she got her little BMW car, so she had fun with that. She also got a life-size elephant stuffed animal."
Um, how big is his house that it can hold a life-size elephant stuffed animal, and what on earth is a three-year old going to do with that? She probably couldn't even wrap her tiny little arms around one of the legs... I'd like to see a picture of this monster.

In case you're wondering what Gilbert's New Years Resolution is this year, every day he's going to write down whether he had a happy or bad day.
"Write down if it was a full day of happiness, a half day of happiness or if you were just sad and something happened to mess up your day. You just write it down every day.

So on the 1st, I was happy. Day 2, I was happy. So that’s two out of two in 2008 so far."
And he has some advice, nay, demands for all of us:
"So everybody, it’s a New Year. Don’t do last year’s stuff. We’re not going to do last year’s stuff, people. We’re going to do New Year’s stuff. So make up a list of stuff you can do this year. Don’t go back to the old stuff. I don’t want to see people doing the same things they were doing in 2007.

If y’all doing the same things you were doing in 2007, I ain’t answering the phone. If you were asking for money in 2007, don’t ask for money in 2008. Ask for a job."
That's right... Gilbert's watching! So if you're doing 2007 stuff right now, you better knock it off and start doing 2008 stuff immediately. You! Playing NBA 2K7, put down the controller and slowly step away from the XBOX -- you think Gilbert is going to take your calls when you bring that garbage in the oh-eight? He knows, everybody... Gilbert knows.

1/4/08 - Recaps Of The Haps

The "Recaps Of The Haps" is going to be the daily morning post where we take a look back at the night that was in the NBA.

Celtics 100 - Grizzlies 96: Paul Pierce, Kevin Garnett and Ray Allen carried the Celtics past the bearded Grizzlies last night -- wait, that was Tony Allen and not Ray Allen? Are you sure? I mean, I saw him making threes and everything! Not since Wile E. Coyote raised an anvil over the Road Runner's bird seed have we seen such a clever mastermind like Doc Rivers. In an attempt to get inside Detroit's collective minds for tonight's matchup, Doc instructed Ray Allen to miss all of his field goals. Ray kindly obliged, going 0-9 on the night (although he did sink 2 free-throws and dish out 5 assists). Also, Rudy Gay had his front tooth chipped by James Posey. Despite the blood and pain, Gay was excited, "No, it's cool man. My dream has always been to be Lloyd Christmas for Halloween. Now all I need is the wig and some body paint."

Rockets 96 - Magic 94: NBA officials once again have decided to not let reality get in the way of their calls. With less than a second on the clock, Orlando's Adonal Foyle tipped in a Rashard Lewis miss that should have tied the game and sent it into overtime. Instead, the officials declared to the crowd, "No Overtime For You!" and said no basket. Stan Van Gundy promises to raise hell about the call -- and I'm sure he'll have a ton of luck. Protests of these kind almost always end up with the league ensuring that justice has be-- this just came across my desk: The league doesn't care. Officials are flawless. Quit your whining, Van Gundy, and go pose for the next Wario game.

Spurs 97 - Knicks 93: Isiah Thomas' road to the Championship hit a bump last night named Bruce Bowen. In a game where the Spurs stars seemed unable to rise to the occasion, Bruce Bowen said, "I got this". He was maniacal on defense and deadly on offense. He lead the Spurs with 15 points, including sinking two free-throws at the end to put the game out of reach. Said Isiah Thomas after the game, "This will probably be the Finals matchup this year, so it was nice to get a good look at the competition. I'm going to ride my unicorn over to the 7/11 and buy a new Christmas tree for my dart board. If no one else is going to eat that microphone, I'm a little hungry."

Pistons 101 - Raptors 85: The Pistons extended their win streak to 11 games. It was a close game until the 4th quarter when Toronto laid down their arms and let Detroit pass without a fight. Chris Bosh took time off from his youtube career to go for 23 and 16, but it wasn't nearly enough. Detroit had 5 players score in double-figures and are already looking ahead to their showdown with Boston. "They'll be in our turf this time," Rasheed Wallace said. "D-troit! That means we'll have guns and other various weapons tucked in our waistbands. You ever try to shoot a three with a guy pointing a glock at your groin? It's a tad bit distracting."

Friday, January 4, 2008


Good evening NBA fans.

David Stern and I would like to welcome you to your new home. It's not much yet, but I think you'll find your stay here quite comfy. If you find yourself getting hungry, no worries, we've stocked the cupboards with Thunder Dan Majerle Bars. Help yourself.

Why, yes, that is a real Oliver Miller pelt spread out in front of the fireplace. I see you have an eye for fine decor. No, the hard part wasn't tracking Miller down. The hard part was carrying the pelt and fitting it through the door. I almost went with the Robert "Tractor" Traylor, but they required that we post the bail upfront.

You shall find your quarters upstairs, two doors past the shrine to Larry Bird. Rony Seikaly will help you carry your bags and turn down your bed for you. Should you need anything in the middle of the night, the artist formerly known as Shaq will be around to help. He'll be the guy on the couch, eating Fritos and watching Renegade reruns.

I'll be back in the morning to check on you and make sure Nate Robinson didn't attempt to rob you in your sleep.

Good Night, you Tayshaun Princes of the Hardwood.